Module 3: You Don't Know What a Good Manager Is Until You've Had One
How intentional relationships build the influence that actually moves your career
I've had managers who made me feel stuck.
And I've had managers who challenged me, supported me, and pushed me to levels I didn't know I could reach. The difference wasn't just in how I felt at work — it was in how much I grew, how fast I grew, and what opportunities came my way.
When you finally work for a good manager, you realize how much it matters. And it makes you think: if I ever step into leadership, I want to be the manager I always needed.
That experience also taught me something about relationships in general. The engineers I've watched grow fastest aren't just technically strong. They've built real relationships — with their managers, their peers, their cross-functional partners — and those relationships create a very different kind of opportunity.
There are no bad teams. Only bad leaders.
People say "I'm just on a bad team." But that's not true.
The difference between a good and bad environment can completely change how you show up at work, how much you grow, and even how much you enjoy your job. Which means the relationships on your team — with your manager, your peers, your partners — are not peripheral to your career. They're central to it.
And in a world where AI is handling more of the execution work, the human layer — trust, collaboration, influence — becomes the primary differentiator.
What intentional relationships actually look like
Invest before you need to withdraw
The engineers who are good at relationships don't show up only when they need something. They show up consistently — helping when it's not required, sharing context proactively, unblocking teammates without being asked.
That builds a trust balance. When you do need something — a fast review, an introduction, support for a proposal — you're drawing from a full account, not an empty one.
Understand what others are optimizing for
Your PM is optimizing for shipped features. Your manager is optimizing for team delivery and organizational visibility. Your peers are optimizing for their own growth and workload.
When you understand what drives the people around you, you can frame your work and your asks in ways that align with their goals — not just your own. That's not manipulation. That's empathy applied professionally.
Build relationships across, not just up
Whenever someone is on the path to promotion, peer feedback comes into play. I frequently ask: how is this person doing? Do they think they're ready for more? Those conversations happen whether you're aware of them or not.
The engineers who expand their relationships beyond their immediate team build influence that compounds over time.
Make expectations visible, not hidden
Some feedback belongs in private. Not all of it.
I've set expectations with an engineer privately, then repeated those expectations with the whole group. When they asked why, I told them: I wanted everyone aligned on what good looked like. I wanted the team to know so they could support and hold each other accountable.
Leaders build environments where expectations are visible, not hidden. Where feedback is not a secret but a standard.
The anti-politics rule
There's a version of relationship-building that feels slimy — currying favor, saying what people want to hear, positioning over substance. That's not what this is.
The best engineering relationships are built on honesty. You show up. You do what you say. You give direct feedback. You tell the truth when it's uncomfortable.
That's rare. And it's far more trusted than smooth.
Trust isn't built in big moments. It's built in small, repeatable ones. Every meeting. Every deadline. Every follow-through.
One question to sit with
Think about a relationship at work that feels strained or distant. What's one step you could take this week to address it directly?
Most engineers avoid that conversation. The ones who take it become the ones people trust with more.